Some time ago I received a request from a reader for some cooking advice, particularly Hungarian cooking advice. I am not a chef. Nor am I Hungarian. However, having travelled and dined in several countries, I have developed some cooking methods that help me replicate the cuisine of different regions and countries. Here goes.

In England, you boil everything.

In America, you fry everything.

In Italy, you take any food item, soak it in oil and then use it to baste a glove of garlic and then eat the garlic.

In France, you bring four pounds of butter and 2 pints of cream to a slow heat, dip any food item into the cholesterol concoction and serve with six baguettes. Or butter-enriched croissants, depending on whether it’s breakfast or dinner.

In China, you simple reach out to anything on the ground in front of you or flying in the air around you, catch it with you bare hands and eat it as caught, when caught.

In Japan it is the same except you reach into the water.

In Hungary, one eats everything. Hooves, ears, tails, brains, stomachs, intestines and eyeballs.

In Canada, you go to Tim Horton’s.

You think Starbucks are everywhere? In Canada, they are plentiful but have only 7% of the market while Tim Horon’s has 62%. Tim Horton restaurants are littered across the Canadian landscape.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Tim Horton’s, it is the world’s most successful franchise, making its fortunes by serving consistently mediocre coffee and a wide array of donuts. They have expanded the menu to offer a couple of sandwich options, soup-like liquids and bagels. Think of it as Canada’s Fornetti, on steroids.

Food often defines a culture and Tim Horton’s has certainly done that to the Canadian national psyche. It is probably second only to hockey in helping to define the national character. It even marks the seasons. While the sign of crocuses used to mark the end of winter and the beginning of spring, now it it Tim Horton’s ‘Roll up the rim to win’ contest, held each spring whether there is one or not. And there are millions of prizes to found printed under the paper cup rim you struggle to unravel to discover whether you have won anything. You have to be an exceptionally unlucky person not to occasionally win something, usually a free cup of mediocre coffee or a belt-busting donut. Apparently one can also win a free car.

A Hungarian once asked whether we would invite them over and prepare a typical Canadian meal. That’s a tough one. With Canada being the second-largest political land mass in the world, second only to our friends, the Russians, food specialties are extremely regional. For British Columbia on the west coast, salmon would be a typical Canadian offering. Going a little further east to Alberta, it would be beef. For those who don’t know, Alberta is Canada’s Texas. Albertans were even the first to invite former president George Bush to speak at a convention held in Calgary. It remains to be seen whether they will be the last.

Going further east, you’ll encounter Saskatchewan and Manitoba. Just keep going. And don’t forget to pack a lunch. Arriving in Ontario, you won’t be able to resist pulling into the first, you guessed it, Tim Horton’s.

Leaving Ontario, you’ll enter Quebec and, if you can afford it, sampling some Quebec maple syrup would be in order. You can also try Quebecois tortiere but don’t be fooled by that francophone name. I know English steak and kidney pie downgraded to ground beef when I see it. (OK, Mr. Ambassador, yes, sometimes they have pork or veal, too.)

Once you leave Quebec, you’ll enter the region known as the Maritimes and Atlantic Canada. This is gets a tad confusing to outsiders. All of the maritime provinces, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island are part of Atlantic Canada but not all the provinces of Atlantic Canada are part of the Maritimes. Newfoundland, aptly nicknamed ‘the rock’ is parked way out in the Atlantic ocean, where it once was a favored spot to stop for cod and aviation fuel. Now there is no cod and with the introduction of jet planes, few aircraft stop there for fuel anymore.

The regional food of choice in the Maritimes is lobster. In Newfoundland it’s beer. Hungarians may relate best to the people of Newfoundland. Not because of the beer but because many in both jurisdictions lament nation-redefining historical dates. In Hungary, it is June 4, 1920. In Newfoundland, it is March 31, 1949 when they were hoodwinked into joining Canada.

If food helps define a nation, Canada is undefinable. As for Hungary, it remains a pickled mystery.