If ever you had any doubt that anyone would do anything for money, all you need do is listen to Elvis Presley singing “Here Comes Santa Claus”. If you are still in doubt, listen to Bob Dylan singing the same song. Or Bob belting out, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” should do the trick if are you still a non believer. With festive singing like that, one can only hope that whatever Bob calls home isn’t yours.
Welcome to my “Icky Gooey Xmas™” song list.
Burl Ives is a Christmas favourite and many of his Icky Gooey Xmas songs have stuck in popular Christmas song culture. Perhaps the planet’s easiest job at the time of those recordings would have been to be Burl Ives’ drummer. Tssp (hi hat cymbals) Boom (bass drum). Tssp Boom. Tssp Boom. Tssp Boom. Tssp Boom. In fact, to be Burl Ives’ drummer, you wouldn’t even need arms. Tssp Boom. Tssp Boom. Hi hat and bass drum and there you have it: Burl Ives’ armless drummer and the Icky Gooey Xmas Songs. Has kind of a ring to it. Tssp Boom. Tssp Boom. (You will never be able to hear Burl Ives’ Icky Gooey Xmas songs again without hearing that imaginary, armless drummer. Tspp Boom. Tssp Boom. I guarantee it.)
On a more cheerful note, Canada’s Bruce Cockburn put out a Christmas album a few years ago that certainly must have been an inspiration and album-of-choice for anyone contemplating suicide; a favoured activity at this time of year, Icky Gooey Xmas music not withstanding. I had a copy once. I re-gifted it to someone I don’t like.
“We Wish You a Merry Christmas” by the Kingston Trio is a classic Icky Gooey Xmas ditty. They had that kind of post beatnik harmony thing going where they take the song where it was never intended to go, all in the name of creativity and post-beatnik stress disorder.
Bing Crosbie did a couple of charming Christmas songs but, when he paired up with Peggy Lee and co-voiced the now rarely heard “Little Jack Frost Get Lost”, you can’t help but conjure up commercials for Pepsodent toothpaste. That, despite the fact that we weren’t even around when Pepsodent toothpaste was creating those silky voice harmonies in commercials and despite the fact that Pepsodent toothpaste no longer exists.
The Four Seasons (oh, but if there were only two) did a version of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and about the only redeeming feature of the song was that the Four Seasons were not coming with him. I believe at least one of the Four Seasons left to become one of the Chipmunks.
David Seville. Name ring a bell? I didn’t think so. He was the genius who discovered that if you recorded voices at 15 rpm and them played them back at 45 rpm, you would have something that sounded like….chipmunks. Or at least, what we imagine chipmunks would sound like because I don’t know anyone who has ever spoken to a chipmunk. Not even on drugs.
“The Chipmunks” put out a Christmas song and if Seville had been visionary, he would have called it “The Christmas Song” but instead, he let his ego get in the way and called it “The Chipmunk Song” leaving Mel Tormé to create one of the great American Christmas classics, “The Christmas Song.”
(If you are unfamiliar with anyone in the cast of characters I am referencing, just say ‘yes’ to Google or Wikipedia.)
Nat “King” Cole has a Christmas album and, if the truth will set you free, I admit that I like it. What is not on the album is Nat’s “Mrs Santa Claus”. Great voice. Bad song. And no voice can fix a bad song.
Brenda Lee had an era-specific hit that became a classic with “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” She countered that with an Icky Gooey Icon, “I’m Going to Lasso Santa Claus.” While there may be some clubs in Budapest where this might go over well, it does suggest one of two things:
1. If she was on drugs, she should not have been.
2. If she was not on drugs, she should have been.
Do you remember the Melodeers? Either does anyone else. However, they have an Icky Gooey Xmas Classic that has transcended time, space and logic called, “Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer”. While the title and in fact, the lyrics are familiar, the tune is not. In your mind’s eye, all you can see is a bunch of guys wearing weird matching suits, sporting slicked back hair and snapping their fingers in unison to the easily-identifiable beat. And the beat goes on. And on. And on.
The Beach Boys singing “We Three Kings of Orient Are” is special. Really special.
Then there are the we’re-angry-and-we’re-going-to-yell-at-Christmas-to-make-it-come-sooner songs. “Come on Christmas” by Cheap Trick does the trick if you’re in any kind of mood other than a Christmas one.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers did a version of “Deck the Halls” where it would appear that they were attempting to be funny by doing a vocal rendition trying to sound like your office co-workers. The only difference being that they wanted you to pay to hear them while instead, you get paid to go to work. Which would you prefer? Paying money to listen to something horrible? Or getting paid to listen to something horrible?
So many artists have done such a remarkable job of shattering the illusion, not of Christmas but of themselves. Bryan Adams, why did you do “Christmas Time”? Why, Bryan, why? If you were short of cash, why not just appeal to your fans for a little charity. It is that time of year.
Then there is a litany of performers who bring that unique Country and Western sorrow to what were intended to be joyful songs. That your girlfriend ran away with your best friend’s wife and took the dog with her is really of no concern to me. If there is anything that can top Icky Gooey Xmas, it is Icky Gooey Xmas with a Twang.
As you can imagine, the list of songs eligible for the Icky Gooey Xmas list is long and reaches far beyond the scope of this article.
So perhaps I can leave you with not a song but an entire album that could possibly have every one of its songs finding its rightful place on the list. I leave you with John Denver and the Muppets. iTunes categorizes John Denver as ‘easy listening’. I don’t think Apple and I work from the same dictionary.
If you sample enough songs from the above list, possibly the last thing you would want to hear anyone say to you is “Merry Christmas”. Oh well. Get over it. Merry Christmas.
