First published February 2012, Inter Relocation. 

There is nothing sane about love. It is simply a socially-embraced strain of insanity and there is ample evidence to prove the point. For starters, love and subsequent love-driven behaviours are known to have led to the bearing of children, often an emotionally heart-breaking and financially-crippling life-long burden. Where is the sanity in that?

Love and its resulting insanity affects behaviors in almost inexplicable ways and can negatively impact everything from the power of concentration to a regular TV schedule, including football. In men, the lunacy of love can be most insidious. Afflicted with love, men have been know to do things no man in his right mind would do. For example, men claiming to be in love have been known to voluntarily listen to Barry White. Men listen to Barry White only while in the presence of their love focus and they listen to Barry White for one reason and one reason only. This should require no further explanation.

You may think people in love say stupid things. That is incorrect. What people in love say is insane. Let’s examine just a few things people stricken with love have been known to say:

“I worship the ground you walk on”. The only sane people who worship any kind of ground are pilots and sailors after near-death experiences. If someone worships the ground anyone walks on, they are probably in a cult. “Worship” is a very inappropriate word to use when referring to mortals. Only an insane person would say something like that.

“You take my breath away”. If this were true, one should call 911 or, here in Hungary, 112. When someone has lost their breath and cannot breathe, it is rightly considered a medical emergency. However, calling 112 and telling the operator you are in love will likely end you up in a hospital room where the lock is on the wrong side of the door, if you follow my drift. They have special wards for people suffering from love and other mental illnesses.

“I am lost without you.” So buy a GPS.

What is unique about this particular strain of madness is that many people crave it. This fact alone should be ample evidence that love is some form of disorder. People never crave healthy things, only things that are bad for them. Have you ever heard of anyone craving zucchini? Or porridge? No. Craving is a bad sign.

There are so many signs pointing to the seriousness of this disorder and the negative impact it has on us, it almost impossible to know where to begin or where to end. Let’s take a look at something that may, on the surface, seem innocuous, perhaps even cute. Let’s look at the icon for being smitten with love: Cupid. Besides being nearly naked in all representations, what is the one thing Cupid always has? A bow and arrow.

Cupid is armed and dangerous. If you’re doubting me on this, ask yourself this, “What is the likelihood Cupid could board a commercial airliner today?” With a bow and arrow? Are you serious? Homeland security would go from Code Orange to Code Yellow, air traffic would be diverted to their alternate airports and the next thing you know, Wolf Blitzer would arrive on the scene making it official that a breach of national security had just been averted. Not only is Cupid armed and dangerous, Cupid is airborne. Cupid has wings.

Let us also look at when love is most celebrated (or most notorious, depending on your predisposition to insanity.) Valentine’s Day. Smack dab in the middle of a month so bleak, ugly and depressing, it was chosen to the be the shortest month of the year. Even in leap years it remains the shortest month of the year. February’s calendar bookends are January and March, both hideous and dreary with few, if any, long weekends. February is a hopeless month. So here, tucked in the middle of a bleak month, bookended by bleak months, we have a strategically-placed day of socially-embraced insanity.

It is on Valentine’s Day that love-generated insanity reaches close to epidemic proportions. Using sanity as our compass and barometer, let us look at the cost of a bouquet of roses. On February, 13th, these might set you back somewhere between 30 and 50 Euro, depending on whether you prefer roses with a life expectancy of six minutes or six days . On February 15, those roses might set you back between 30 and 50 Euro. However, on February 14th, those roses could set you back between 80 and 100 Euro. Nothing paints a more compelling picture of love’s insanity than the cost of roses on February 14. And what’s up with all the chocolate?

Thankfully, many spas and hotels offer insane specials for Valentine’s Day ‘romantic getaways’. We all know code words when we see them and we know exactly what the word ‘romantic’ implies. While these ‘insanely’ low prices for Valentine’s Day romantic getaways may seem like a generous and warm-hearted gesture on the part of hotels and spas sympathetic to those with mental disorders, don’t be fooled. Folks, it is the middle of February. Hotels and spas haven’t seen anyone but staff members since New Year’s and aren’t likely to see many more until spring.

The good news is that here in Budapest, the insanity of love seems even more socially-accepted than in most places, judging by the amorous activities one sees every day on the streets and park benches and in trams, shopping malls, art galleries, restaurants and pubs. If you are going to succumb to the insanity of love, you could not be in a better place than Budapest. Foreigners have often remarked that Hungarians can seem somewhat insane. So now you know the truth. It’s not that they’re insane, it’s just that they’re just in love. So are you in love? Or insane? Six of one. Half a dozen of another.